Saturday, April 9, 2011

To the Loved Ones We Have Loved and Lost

Grieving by oneself seems so sad to me yet, I know of no truly honest way but to grieve by oneself. There can be 20 people in a room and if your mind decides to recall a detail of your loved one it is only you that experiences the memory.  It is only you who grieve at that moment. This has happened to me more than one time in the past two years.  Once in the grocery store.  I caught the glimpse of a blond haired woman who's hair was cut the same as my wife's.  She was the height and weight of my Gretchen and for just a second my heart raced.  The nightmare was over. She was there! Yet, she wasn't and the sadness set in.  I grieved by myself, alone with my thoughts standing in the line at the grocery store, fighting back the tears that would have to fall .......and did.

I have been grieving over the loss of Gretchen, my wife of 32 years,  for the past  two years.  I ask myself when will this end? When will I be able to carrying on a normal life?  When will I have  Mia Vea Apxn, Greek for, A New Beginning?  After re-reading "My Story" for about the hundredth time I finally came to the realization my Mia Vea Apxn  began the day my lovely Gretchen passed away.  Everything would be new and different from now on.  I sat upon a new path by myself  but, not alone.  I had and have good friends and family who helped me along the way.  Yet, it was at night, when I was alone the grieving became one on one.  Just me, my thoughts, and my memories!  

My fond memories.  Memories of the beach when the children were little. Memories of Key West, NASCAR  races and Williamsburg once the children were grown. Christmas with the children and grandchildren and even the mess cleaning up afterward.  I tried to focus on the pleasant memories but in the beginning the sorted memory was of the illness and her passing.  I tried, but cried.  Tears have to come. It's inevitable.  As time passed I continued to ask myself, when will I get over this?

Today in church the guest Pastor used the analogy of a caterpillar that spins a cocoon or chrysalis and emerges a beautiful butterfly.  He used the "new age" term morph.  It struck me strange that he would use this word and analogy this morning as the bulk of this post was written late Saturday night and in the early hours of Sunday morning.  Perhaps it was "Divine Intervention, perhaps it was timing, perhaps just coincident.  The bottom line is Mia Vea Apxn, A New Beginning, does not, have a defining moment.  At least as I look back I see none in the path I have walked. Metamorphosis or morph is our defining moment and it takes time. Time is the one commodity we have now. We must learn to use it wisely and allow our metamorphosis to take place and do what it must.

I have been thinking about this blog for quite some time and after discussing it with my wife's favorite Chemo nurse and a very close friend who is walking this path i decide perhaps, just perhaps, my story and experiences may help someone else walk the path I have walked and still walk.  You see this is my blog and your blog and our blog.  Tell me about your loved one and I will post it on the My Story page.  Send me your loved ones favorite prayer or verse or poem and I will post it on the Spiritual Page for all to read and be blessed and gain strength by.  Tell us about occurrences and thoughts that you have had and helped. They  will be posted on Walking Our Path Page with the hope helping others. Is there a book, movie or an organization that you found helpful to you while walking the path.  Send them via the contact page and it will be posted for others to read on the Organization page. 

Helping someone who is walking the path you are walking is the greatest reward I know. Help them as they find  Mia Vea Apxn, A New Beginning,

Husband of Gretchen